‘Here I Am, A Mere Human Being,’ Says Naked Candidate
Flatly declaring
to audience members that she stood on stage as no more than a human being with
nothing to hide, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly
appeared Friday before a campaign rally completely nude in a bid to once and
for all prove her authenticity.
Moments
after being introduced to an enthusiastic crowd by North Carolina congressman
G. K. Butterfield, Clinton is said to have taken the stage at PNC Arena,
whereupon the 20,000 cheering spectators became abruptly silent at the sight of
the fully naked former secretary of state walking slowly across the dais to the
tune of John Mellencamp’s “Pink Houses.”
“I am here today not as a politician, nor as a presidential
candidate, but simply as a vulnerable, flawed human—just like any one of you,”
said Clinton, before pivoting in a slow circle at center stage with her arms
outstretched at her sides and her palms held open, presenting to the crowd the
entirety of her nude body. “Look upon me, friends. Go ahead and truly look.
What you see before you is a living, breathing woman standing here exactly as
she was created. I am unadorned. I am without artifice. I am real.”
“This,
North Carolina, is Hillary Rodham Clinton,” she continued.
The
former first lady, who throughout the rally spoke while clutching a handheld
microphone inches from her exposed breasts, was then said to have elaborated
for nearly 60 minutes on her essential nature and the shared human experience
of being composed of humble organic matter, her pale, naked flesh standing in
stark relief against the backdrop of her campaign logo. In addition to
foregoing clothing, sources said Clinton appeared without makeup and allowed
her hair to fall naturally to her bare shoulders, her unvarnished nude image
projected on the arena’s 30-foot Jumbotron screen as she described herself as a
“fragile, impermanent vessel.”
Those
in attendance reported that Clinton’s speech—which often returned to the theme
that, underneath the walls we put up to protect ourselves, we’re all merely
people striving, surviving, and trying to do our best—was met largely by
uninterrupted silence from the stunned and increasingly uncomfortable audience.
Sources added that during pauses in her address, Clinton’s bare feet could be
heard sticking against the floor as she walked across the raised platform.
Witnesses
also noted that the bright stage lights left Clinton’s entire nude body covered
in a visible sheen of slick sweat.
“I ask
that you trust me, just as I have placed my trust in you by standing here today
utterly defenseless and unconcealed,” said Clinton before taking a sip of
water, as a supporter’s cough echoed throughout the arena and the last of the
crowd’s “Fighting For Us” posters slowly sank into the sea of spectators. “You
can believe in me because I am a person. I have fears, wants, and desires, as
all of you do.”
source: theonion.com
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